Fear

When I had Owen, the one thing I was not prepared for was the fear that something bad would happen to him. I guess I knew on an intellectual level that I would love him, but I did not realize how much his limbs would become an extension of my limbs, and that I would almost feel his pain in my body (or heart?). Not quite daily, but often, I find myself terrified that something will go wrong, and when things happen that could have been worse (like he falls down two stairs and cuts his lip, or I let go of the stroller and it almost rolls off the front porch), they run through my mind for days.

For example, last week I was mowing the lawn. We have a manual mower that can’t even cut through a twig (or a dandelion stem, if it’s at the wrong angle). And I had Owen standing at a bench with some toys on the other side of the lawn. He was smiling at me, and I said hi periodically, checking in with him to make sure he was OK. And I mowed that lawn! But then, for some reason, all evening long, I had visions of his limbs caught in lawnmower blades. I had to shut my brain off, but for days, this image kept creeping in.

Before we had Owen, Duncan and I both had our fair share of cynicism. We didn’t understand why children were presumed to be more important than adults. We would roll our eyes at certain (fictional) shows where children were always the victims of crimes (think: CSI Miami). And the bad guys were worse guys because they did bad things to children. OK – I can still muster an eye roll at that show, but I have also become one of those people who can no longer watch bad things happen to a child. I wasn’t before. It hurts me now to see a child separated from a parent. Last night, I was reading a wonderful book (small spoiler alert if you click on the link). And when the mother’s child is taken away from her, possibly forever,  I had to put the book down. I couldn’t go back to it until the next day. When I hear news reports of children who have gone missing, who have drowned, who have been hit by cars, I crumple inside. For me, having a child has opened up a connection with humanity. Owen has been an antidote to cynicism.

The other day, we were out walking with Owen (in his big, fancy, expensive stroller) and a teenager came up to us to ask first for a cigarette (we don’t smoke) and then for some change (we’d left the house without our wallets). The boy could have been anywhere from 14-19. He was slight, had sores on his face, and looked like he was having a really rough time. I realized then, as I’ve acknowledged so many times since Owen was born, that we need so much from our parents, from society, and from life. Owen is so so lucky to be loved and held and laughed with. When he was just starting to smile, I remember thinking: what would happen to a baby who didn’t get a smile back? What would happen if a baby kept flashing toothless grins and no one was there to mirror those smiles? I know that people can surmount all kinds of difficulties, and I’m certainly not trying to draw any easy conclusions here. I don’t know how long our lucky streak will last. And I can’t keep Owen from hurt. Life is full of hurts, small and big.

So all I can do is hug him and love him and smile back … and hope we stay lucky. I am so scared of the alternative.

8 comments on “Fear

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  3. Rebecca Wilson on said:

    so true!! you do such a great job of putting so many of my parenting emotions into coherent thoughts (which i so cannot do!). keep it coming! :)

  4. Rebecca Wilson on said:

    PS glad you are reading the book, and yes, there are really tough parts! i remember having to put it down for a bit too!

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  6. Mary-Ellen O'Neil on said:

    I remember holding my first child, then 6 weeks, when the news reported that a plane load of Vietnamese babies bound for safety in the U.S. had been shot down and all lost. The year was 1975. I remember sobbing and holding her for hours until her father came home because I was clutched with the fear…..

    Guess what? Over 35 years of parenting, it NEVER GOES AWAY.

    Your writing captures it all.

  7. Maxine Waters on said:

    This is absolutely one of the more remarkable websites I have seen. It’s so easy to tune out, but there is still some first-rate things on the net, and I believe your blog is on the list!

  8. So true. Do you know I sometimes have to snap out of ‘The Zone’ where I am just worried about possible bad things that can happen? Then I thought when they are bigger I won’t worry so much… yeah, right! 😉 We are in it for the long run… cherish every moment!

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